2 July 2017

Writing instead of speaking

Talking, saying what I think, saying how I feel. These are the things that I'm struggling with a lot.

I was always a person who loved reading, writing, making up stories and dream every moment of the day. Explaining in words the thoughts and feelings that are going through my head are so extremely difficult because I can't find the right words. I block because I don't know how to say it. Everything I think and feel are in my head and it stays there.

I'm struggling with this for as long as I remember and I'm getting more and more problems with it.
How hard can it be to just say what you think? How hard can it be to just say how you feel? How hard can it be to just talk to another human being or someone you love so much? Well, pretty hard.

I'm currently 21 years old and until last month I never said the things to my mother that I've wanted to say to her in years. I can't just go to her and say that I appreciate everything she does, I can't go to her and tell her how much I love her. Why? Because I can't find the right words and say these out loud. Last month I saw something that would be the absolute perfect gift for my mom, "Brieven aan mijn moeder" (Letters to my mom). It's a little book with empty letters in it and on each envelope there is a start sentence, like for example "I always think about you when.." and then you complete the letter. I wrote them all in one night and it felt so good. I had the ability to say everything that was on my mind without a kind of confrontation and that's what I needed. I had to tell her these things, and seeing her reaction afterwards makes it all worth it.

The same thing is with my blog. Everything that I write down here, I actually never really say out loud. There is nobody of my friends or family that even knows that I have a blog. It feels so comfortable to write down everything I want and how I want it. I need to do this because otherwise my head would be a mess. Notebooks are filled with little texts and scribbles, the notes in my phone and computer are loaded with my thoughts.

I think this is a positive and a negative quality;
The positive thing is that it's a kind of creation. When you just talk to someone in person, you can't put an illustration with it or you can't choose your layout. When I write, I can make a kind of collage with illustrations, handlettering and I can take my time to make the layout as perfect as I want. I need to see something, a visual image.
The negative thing is that you'll come to a point in your life that you have to talk, that you have to be able to explain your feelings and thoughts. Lately I've been in situations where I just get angry at myself for not having the ability to express myself whilst speaking. There are situations where it's so important to say something, to talk. It's not only frustrating for me but also for the person who talks to me because they feel like they're talking to a wall. They can think that you just don't care because you don't have to say anything. People can think that they should've talked to a dog and even get more response. It hurts people and I don't want that. By growing up, I experience how important this is. Sometimes I feel like a little child when I have a discussion with someone because the only thing I can do is crying, saying 'sorry' or not showing any emotion. I have to work on this. Think before I say, not reacting out of an impulse.

I do believe that I'm able to combine the positive and the negative, but I do have to make an effort and work on it.

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